I haven't written in here in awhile. And today I come to write about something that I have not thought about in awhile, which is fitting-- the arts.
Art. A term I have studied, experienced, and hopefully produced over the course of my lifetime. Something I have critiqued, analyzed, loved, and been moved by.
I have always considered myself an amateur "taker in" of the arts. I rarely think of myself as a producer, although I know that I have. I have never considered myself experienced enough to be a true artist. I have always been on the sidelines, in the shadows. Oh, a drawing here, a choral concert there, an opera in my shower; but nothing defined or definitive.
I believe that I have always wanted to be an artist. But I may have made the rookie mistake of thinking that if I was truly a performer that people would recognize that and they would acknowledge me for it and encourage me to pursue it. However I think that because the arts are such a precarious career, filled with incompetency and politics, people who do love me would eschew pushing me in that direction, lest I fail to get a break, and those that know the field and know that I could enter it would think of me as a competitor and keep me out of it. Possibly.
If nothing else, the arts as a career are an area in which one must be self-promoting, tenacious, and confident. I lack the first and last qualities listed, which for the most part inhibit me from even getting into that arena. Once I realize that I am a strong contender for a part I could argue my case well, but I am too scared to speak up in the first place. Sad, really, because everyone lost out on that one, but what is done is done.
I also realize that I need to go back to where my heart is--singing and writing. I also would love to learn how to dance, act, paint, and sew, but those are secondary. My soul is alive when I am producing music, it is one of my favorite activities. I have long since suffered from shyness about my voice and therefore was always reluctant to put myself out there, but the time for that is over. I cannot succeed if I do not at least try and I know from experience that life is always too short. I must do what I can while I can, because while my voice has changed dramatically and gotten stronger over the years, there is no telling how much time it (or I) will have. Therefore, let us live while we're alive. Live life, no regrets.
I don't know. I don't buy into New Year's resolutions much. I'd more like to think of them as New Year's goals, because I have a year to complete them and they're things that I want to do. So, I think I'll take a shot at some of these, who knows, it could be fun.
1. Learn to change the oil in my car (a very practical one, as I now can change a tire and in theory can jump a car, but changing the oil would be very useful and money-saving too). 2. Buy an iPod touch and fill it with music (maybe to use some of that oil-changing money, because I really want to have one for Bejeweled Blitz as well as music). 3. Make a spreadsheet of where all of my money goes for one month, and learn to budget from that. (I NEED to get better with my money, and this is a way to do so. It will also help with #4). 4. Keep being faithful about tithing. (I def need to get better at this, idk if Crusade money counts but I should be giving to both bc I def have enough, so, anyway). 5. Saving 10% of my income this year (5% goes toward emergencies, and 5% toward Christmas presents. Start buying those now, also, and keep them in a safe place for Christmas 2010). 6. Enter the WL ED major, or at least a major. (Very important, lest I get behind on graduating). 7. Enter and complete a triathlon (no excuses this year, I can do it, I have before, maybe a Team In Training one? Sounds good to me!) 8. Minister with my whole heart to my floor (I need to do this as it's my ministry focus and because it's my duty to them as their RA). 9. Go to either another foreign country (Canada for study abroad doesn't count) with Cru or Wycliffe or stay stateside for an internship with Cru this summer. OR work and stay home. ONLY options this summer! 10. Turn 21 (God willing I won't have to put very much effort into this one, but you never know.) 11. Reach out to Tom and Bob more (strengthen this relationship before I have to leave). 12. Start to build up a better base of older friends for later ministry partnership (def a need for me). 13. I hate this number. 14. Be more regular about attending church. In fact attend at least half (i.e. about 2 a month) for the entire year. Three or more would be optimal, but we're going for achievability. 15. Become an initiated member of Tri Sigma (hopefully also won't be a huge deal, but it would be nice to know the ritual). 16. Make a prayer schedule each week and stick to it. Pray for different people/groups/organizations faithfully (more details and more specific details on this one to come). 17. Make peace with JAMD, if possible (hopefully it is, but if not, simply pray for him and his wife-to-be). 18. Pray for Mario faithfully, but more importantly, pray for my future husband, whoever that is to be.
Possibly more to come but this seems like a good and doable list. I'm excited for 2010. I turn 21 this year, I don't have to graduate yet, and this summer seems like a great one to come. I can't wait. Thanks to God for everything He has given me, and for giving me 20 wonderful years of life. All praise be to Him! =)
Out of sorts. Weirdly oddly. I am now writing this a sophomore in college. I feel strange thinking about that. I've thought about dropping out a lot this year. Which I guess is natural, considering the placement of the year. Not even halfway done, having to take required classes, hating life because of it. Yet I've also learned how to be more grateful this year. Like just being thankful that I get to take classes and that my mommy pays for them. Being grateful that I can walk. That I don't have leukemia. So much has happened since this summer, it's a wonder I'm not completely re-adjusting and reconsidering my life. Brother has leukemia. May never walk again. Met a boy. Who cannot pay for school this semester so he must stay up all of most nights to work. It's sad. Making new friends in Cru. Going to Raystown once again with new people. Fall retreat this year. Canning. Going home and roadtripping it to PHILBU! Getting involved in a Bible study (finally). Considering possibly leading my own (well, with someone). Falling more and more in love with Jesus Christ. Trying through him to change my life. Growing closer to some dear dear friends. Actually being social for once. The norm. Except not, for me.
I don't really know how to describe this year so far. Extremely depressing, awful, horrible, amazing, exhilarating, fantastic, surprising, sweet, awesome, beautiful, lovely. So many different words that apply and applied at different times. This is just such a different year than last. I mean I'm used to college in a way. I'm used to the patterns, the routines. Yet I have a car this year so I can escape them and go back to my other life as well. My life at home. I feel a lot more torn this year between this home and my other. Sometimes I cannot tell which is more dear to me, though I don't know that it matters. I think all college kids go through this though. Well any college kid with strong ties both to their school and to their hometown. You know. Ahh but I don't know. So much of my life seems uncertain yet I have full assurance that Christ has a hold of my future that I can only rejoice and never worry. I can only love life. And I don't know if this makes sense or if I make sense but I'm getting excited for life as I write this, because I am reflecting on life and I always see positives when I do so. So I just love life. I'm excited for what God has in store. I'm trying to be patient AND look ahead, which is hard (esp for me) but I'm trying. And I'm really and truly just excited for what God has in store for my life. That's all. =)
Actually, I have. It was at work, when my friend Mike was asking people his "question of the day", which are usually a little to quite inappropriate in nature, and today it was "would you ever have a threesome?" Of course my answer to that was no, because I want to wait to have sex until I am married. To this Mike replied, "Sue, will you marry me?" Obviously, I've never received a serious marriage proposal. Only ever talked about it, and as I'm currently single, it definitely didn't work out. And weirdly, I couldn't be happier. =)
So I just got back from Wycliffe's TOTAL it up, aka "taste of translation and linguistics". And it was an awesomely swell time, can't lie. I met a bunch of language dorks and it was amazing! Everyone was cool, and I am now in contact with a recruiter. I'm still not sure in which area I want to specialize, but I'm thinking maybe literacy? Because they do literacy projects in addition to Bible translation, since obviously if people can't read a Bible is no good for them. Esp. since my degree will technically be in teaching, so it'd be good use of it. Also translators change their career many times within the organization, so there's nothing to fear. And the passion and stories of great faith that the people I met there were true inspirations, and the message of the Scripture in every language is really initiative I can get behind. So in short, I really like Wycliffe and maybe, more than likely, I will work for them someday soon.
In other news, this is my work schedule for next week: Mon: LG- 9 am to 4 pm swim lessons- 5 pm to 7:30 pm
Tues: LG- 9 am to 5 pm swim lessons- 5 pm to 7:30 pm
Wed: LG- 10:45 am to 5 pm swim lessons 5 pm to 7:30 pm
Thurs: LG- 9 am to 4 pm swim lessons- 5 pm to 7:30 pm
Fri: LG- 12 pm to 6 pm
Sat: LG- 10:45 am to 7 pm
The good thing is that I probably will not work all of these hours, since we can only work 40 per week, since they can't pay us overtime. So. That's good in a way. And I mean they know the rule and still scheduled me, so they can't be mad. Eh well. I have tomorrow and Sunday off praise God, because I need to clean my room, and such. And now I think I'm going to relax and have free time, something I haven't really experienced much this week. =)